We can't take words back after it comes out

Forgiveness keeps coming back around. I have been thinking about many things and the person I want to be. The legacy I want to leave behind. How will people remember me when I am gone? I think about my funeral a lot. That sounds weird probably, but I want to make sure I am doing everything I can to bring glory to God while on this earth. How am I treating people while I only have a short time here? How am I treating my children? I would never want to die and have left things unspoken. I would never want unforgiveness in my heart and knowing I didn't get things right. We don't have much time here and what are we doing? Are we investing in things that aren't important eternally? How are we spending our time? I am not proud of many things I have done in my life. I am not proud of the example I have shown throughout my life. I think of people back when I was in school that I never talked to about Jesus. There were many that I did talk to about him, but there were many that I didn't. I see these faces today. Some are dead now. I had a chance and did not take it. I knew about Jesus and still "partied it up" with some of them. Did they see me as different or did they see me as the rest of the world? I have been thinking a lot about JC. I have thought about the mean things I said to him as we were separating. I can't blame other people for my actions. It does not matter what someone else says or does. I can only take blame for myself and how I respond. I allowed joy to be taken from me and I am not proud of how I acted. I had already apologized to him for my behavior, but there were many mornings I sat in silence on the way to work still feeling guilty. He called the other night to talk to the children and to tell Gabriel, "happy birthday." As I spoke with him on the phone, I proceeded to apologize again and tell him that God is dealing with me on many things. He didn't deserve to be treated the way I treated him. I brought up pain from his past...not willingly, but it made him remember something with his parents. During this time, I kept a wall up and didn't help him through his pain. That is not me. Even if we were getting a divorce, I didn't have to be cold to him. No one deserves that. I am coming to terms with myself and it breaks my heart when I think about how I have acted at certain times throughout my life. Once words come out of your mouth, you can't take them back. You can keep saying, "I'm sorry" but that person you hurt will always remember what you said. JC said he forgave me a long time ago, but the problem is he still remembers the mean things I said and that is hard for me knowing I caused someone else pain and hurt. Yes, he forgives and God forgives, but I can never go back and undo what I have done and said to people. It's so crazy because what God is dealing with me on, I am seeing and hearing the same things everywhere. I will turn on the tv and a sermon will come on with exactly what God is already speaking. I will turn the radio on and a song will come on that is exactly what God has been speaking. I will open the Bible and see a verse with what He has already been dealing with me about. I will read a prophetic word in my email and it will confirm everything I already know to be true. It is amazing how God works. After I spoke with JC, it felt so freeing when I got off the phone. I still couldn't take it back, but I felt better nonetheless. All I could do was tell him to remember what God says about him and not man. He is not who anyone else says he is except the One who made Him.