Ministry Highlight of the Week - Ukraine Medical Outreach

This week's highlight is Ukraine Medical Outreach. We had the priviledge of getting to know Marianna when we were in Kiev, Ukraine. Her and her husband, Jim, also came to Colorado Springs and it was so good to catch up again and hear of what they were currently doing. While we were in Ukraine, Natasha and I got to go to the hospital and love on a little baby that had HIV. She was four months old. We wanted to take her home that day. She was so precious. It was amazing to see just a glimpse of what Ukraine Medical Outreach does. Please visit their website and see how you can help them today. ukrainemedicaloutreach.org

One Touch

21When Jesus had again crossed over by boat to the other side of the lake, a large crowd gathered around him while he was by the lake. 22Then one of the synagogue rulers, named Jairus, came there. Seeing Jesus, he fell at his feet 23and pleaded earnestly with him, "My little daughter is dying. Please come and put your hands on her so that she will be healed and live." 24So Jesus went with him. A large crowd followed and pressed around him. 25And a woman was there who had been subject to bleeding for twelve years. 26She had suffered a great deal under the care of many doctors and had spent all she had, yet instead of getting better she grew worse. 27When she heard about Jesus, she came up behind him in the crowd and touched his cloak, 28because she thought, "If I just touch his clothes, I will be healed." 29Immediately her bleeding stopped and she felt in her body that she was freed from her suffering.30At once Jesus realized that power had gone out from him. He turned around in the crowd and asked, "Who touched my clothes?"31"You see the people crowding against you," his disciples answered, "and yet you can ask, 'Who touched me?' "32But Jesus kept looking around to see who had done it. 33Then the woman, knowing what had happened to her, came and fell at his feet and, trembling with fear, told him the whole truth. 34He said to her, "Daughter, your faith has healed you. Go in peace and be freed from your suffering."

Nicole C. Mullen (One Touch) from belindaa1 on GodTube.

Words to this song by Nicole C Mullen Been ostracized for 12 years, I'm used to being alone Spent everything I had and now it's gone I'm used to being put down, my issues tell it all My only hope is anchored in this fall If I could just touch the hem of His garment I know I'd be made whole If I could just press my way through this madness His love would heal my soul if only one touch So many people calling, how could He ever know That just a brush of Him would stop the flow If He knew would He rebuke me or shame me to the crowd? Well, I'm desperate 'cause it's never or it's now If I could just touch the hem of His garment I know I'd be made whole If I could just press my way through this madness His love would heal my soul And then suddenly He turned around He said somebody has unleashed my power Well, frightened and embarrassed I bowed You see I told Him of my troubles and how I had to touch the hem of His garment And I know I've been made whole And how I had pressed my way through this madness And His love has healed my soul Then with one word He touched the hem of my garment And you know I've been made whole And somehow He pressed His way through my madness And His love has healed my soul I tell you He touched me He reached way down and touched me When no one else would touch me Yeah, Jesus sure enough touched me And I know I've been made whole

How God Sees Us

This was Joey's status on facebook today and I would like to share it with all of you. On my way to work so have a wonderful day, everyone!!!! Love you lots! My brother in Christ Daniel Kolenda wrote this and I wanted to share it with ya'll. I hope you like it. Does God Really Have a Plan for My Life? How God Sees Us It was harvest time in Israel, and a palpable sense of anxiety was in the air. At any moment the wary farmers might lift their eyes to see a tidal wave of Midianite soldiers pouring down from... the hills like a flash flood from a broken dam. The Bible describes the Midianites as a nation of “grasshoppers” (Judg. 7:12). Whenever the harvest was ripe, they would descend upon Israel's fields and crops in vast numbers like a swarm of locusts, leaving nothing in their wake but destruction and desolation. The Israelites went on the defensive, hunkering down in caves, hiding in the mountains, and building protective strongholds. The nervous harvesters quickly reaped what they could and hid it away in anticipation of an imminent invasion. God had a plan to deliver Israel from the hand of Midian, and He had chosen just the man for the job, but God’s choice seemed highly unlikely. Gideon was not a superhero by any stretch of the imagination. He was a victim of his society’s ills, a man who had been influenced by the climate of cowardice that had crippled and enslaved the Israelites. He was such a prisoner of fear that he would hide in a winepress to thresh his small harvest of wheat (Judg. 6:11). A winepress is no place to thresh wheat; it’s like washing your clothes in the dishwasher. But Gideon had chosen this inappropriate place because he was afraid of the Midianites. He was afraid of losing his harvest and his life, so he hid both underground. It was in this dungeon of fear that the Lord found Gideon, frustrated, trembling, and perspiring. And the Angel of the Lord appeared to him and said to him, The Lord is with you, you mighty man of [fearless] courage. Judges 6:12, AMPNo one would have anticipated the Lord’s declaration that day. “Gideon,” the Lord says, “you are a mighty man of fearless courage!” Where others saw a coward, God saw a deliverer! I’m so glad God doesn’t see us the way we so often see ourselves. When we look in the mirror we might see someone who is undereducated or inexperienced. We might see someone who belongs to the wrong social class, race, or gender. We might see someone who is too young or too old. And there are always a million excuses why God can’t use us. But God sees more in us than we see in ourselves, and our obstacles, failures, and shortcomings do not intimidate Him. I am also glad that God doesn’t see us the way other people do. Many times when we begin to break out of the old patterns and mind-sets that have held us back, rejecting the status quo, and looking for higher ground, often our greatest opponents are close friends, fellow church members, and even our own relatives. In fact, it’s interesting to note that the Midianites, being descendants of Abraham, were actually cousins of the Israelites. It was these “family members,” if you will, who had so oppressed Israel that they were cowering in fear rather than living victoriously. The enemy knows how to use those closest to us to bring discouragement. They say, “Who do you think you are? Do you think you’re better than us? We’ve known you since you were a child. We’ve seen all your failures, and we know your faults. You are just one of us. Get back in your place!” Some time ago I became interested in purchasing an aquarium. As I began to research this project, I was amazed to discover all the different types of aquariums that can be bought. There are large ones and small ones, freshwater and saltwater. There are aquariums for fish, aquariums for corals, aquariums for reptiles, and aquariums for invertebrates. What really fascinated me was the aquarium for crabs. I discovered that these particular aquariums had no lids, and I was amused when I learned why. Apparently when you have an aquarium for crabs, you don’t need a cover because if one crab tries to climb out, the others will reach up and pull him back down again. I thought to myself, “I know a lot of crabby Christians.” We don’t like to see someone succeed where we have failed. Envy and jealousy often make God’s children competitors and rivals. Often hurtful and judgmental words have wounded brothers and sisters, dragged them down, and kept them from realizing their potential. Sadly this happens all the time in the church world. Just as God is elevating one pastor and blessing his ministry, the other pastors in town oppose him with slander and gossip. They will do everything they can to pull him back down into the aquarium of church as usual. Such a pastor, church, or Christian should take comfort. Someone once told me, “Pity you get for free, but jealousy must be earned.” Jesus Himself was delivered up by His own people to be crucified –because they envied Him (Matt. 27:18). How often we have been discouraged because of what someone else thought or said about us? Fortunately the wonderful reality is that God doesn’t see us the way other people do.

We can't take words back after it comes out

Forgiveness keeps coming back around. I have been thinking about many things and the person I want to be. The legacy I want to leave behind. How will people remember me when I am gone? I think about my funeral a lot. That sounds weird probably, but I want to make sure I am doing everything I can to bring glory to God while on this earth. How am I treating people while I only have a short time here? How am I treating my children? I would never want to die and have left things unspoken. I would never want unforgiveness in my heart and knowing I didn't get things right. We don't have much time here and what are we doing? Are we investing in things that aren't important eternally? How are we spending our time? I am not proud of many things I have done in my life. I am not proud of the example I have shown throughout my life. I think of people back when I was in school that I never talked to about Jesus. There were many that I did talk to about him, but there were many that I didn't. I see these faces today. Some are dead now. I had a chance and did not take it. I knew about Jesus and still "partied it up" with some of them. Did they see me as different or did they see me as the rest of the world? I have been thinking a lot about JC. I have thought about the mean things I said to him as we were separating. I can't blame other people for my actions. It does not matter what someone else says or does. I can only take blame for myself and how I respond. I allowed joy to be taken from me and I am not proud of how I acted. I had already apologized to him for my behavior, but there were many mornings I sat in silence on the way to work still feeling guilty. He called the other night to talk to the children and to tell Gabriel, "happy birthday." As I spoke with him on the phone, I proceeded to apologize again and tell him that God is dealing with me on many things. He didn't deserve to be treated the way I treated him. I brought up pain from his past...not willingly, but it made him remember something with his parents. During this time, I kept a wall up and didn't help him through his pain. That is not me. Even if we were getting a divorce, I didn't have to be cold to him. No one deserves that. I am coming to terms with myself and it breaks my heart when I think about how I have acted at certain times throughout my life. Once words come out of your mouth, you can't take them back. You can keep saying, "I'm sorry" but that person you hurt will always remember what you said. JC said he forgave me a long time ago, but the problem is he still remembers the mean things I said and that is hard for me knowing I caused someone else pain and hurt. Yes, he forgives and God forgives, but I can never go back and undo what I have done and said to people. It's so crazy because what God is dealing with me on, I am seeing and hearing the same things everywhere. I will turn on the tv and a sermon will come on with exactly what God is already speaking. I will turn the radio on and a song will come on that is exactly what God has been speaking. I will open the Bible and see a verse with what He has already been dealing with me about. I will read a prophetic word in my email and it will confirm everything I already know to be true. It is amazing how God works. After I spoke with JC, it felt so freeing when I got off the phone. I still couldn't take it back, but I felt better nonetheless. All I could do was tell him to remember what God says about him and not man. He is not who anyone else says he is except the One who made Him.

Ministry Highlight of the Week - Express Missions International (expressmissions.com)

I have decided to highlight a ministry once a week. EMI is very important to me. I was trying to give monthly and then I went through a hard time. I believe in this ministry so much and they do such a work for God's kingdom. I am honored to call A.C. Curtis (president of EMI) my friend. He has a beautiful wife with a beautiful heart and beautiful children that all love Jesus. This family is such an inspiration and they truly love people. They have a heart for the lost and the hurting. Oh, how I wish we all could grieve the way they do for people. I was able to set my missionary friends in Ukraine (Alyona and Slavik) with EMI and now they are getting sponsored by this ministry. My heart was full of joy when AC went to Ukraine to meet with my sweet friends to help them with what they are currently doing there and to continue to do more throughout Ukraine. EMI saves so many girls every month from sex trafficking as well. From EMI's website: Express Missions International is a missions recruiting and resourcing agency founded to fulfill the Great Commission AS FAST AS POSSIBLE. The stakes are extremely high as millions are perishing without Christ each year, and doing so while millions of Christians are planning vacations and retirement, and thousands of churches are building more elaborate buildings. Those who are hungry both for food and freedom cannot wait much longer. EMI seeks to become that agency for you who are tired of waiting to use your gifts and energy for the cause of advancing the Gospel. We won't ever compromise integrity, compassion, or the Message of the Gospel. The Gospel is what we are all about! Express Missions International works strictly on the international stage primarily in developing countries in Africa and Asia. We specialize in bringing humanitarian aid to victims of war, famine, and disease plus working with indigenous church-planting missionaries. Please visit their website to learn more about how God is using Express Missions International throughout the world. Here is a video I made awhile back and several of the pictures are from AC. He gave me permission to use them in the video. I wanted to capture God's love for people and how He says for us to love them. Please visit expressmissions.com and donate today to help save lives. You will not regret getting involved with EMI I promise.

His Mercies are New Every Morning

Good morning!!! About to leave for work, but wanted to let you know that no matter how hard today gets, keep remembering how good God is. Keep remembering the promises that He has given you. Keep remembering all of your blessings. Talk to Him throughout the day and give Him your day. "This is Your day, God. Don't let me miss something that you have set before me today. Let me see with spiritual eyes and hear with spiritual ears. Let me not be led by my flesh today, but only by Your Spirit. Help me to work today as I am working for You. Help me to stay calm if I encounter co-workers or customers that may get angry or impatient. Let me not allow my joy to be taken, but to keep remembering that the joy of the Lord is my strength and that will help me get through the day. Help me love on people today no matter how they act towards me. I want Your love to pour out of me and Your light to shine through me. Set me apart, Lord. Bring in the customers and help me have a great commission day so I can keep providing for my family. I would love a lot of big sales today. :) But more important than that, I just want You. I want Your presence with me all day. I want to feel you in every step I take even when I am feeling overwhelmed in a moment. Help me to take a breath and feel you there with me. Give me the comfort I need today. Thank you for loving me and thank you for giving me another day on this earth to share Your love with people. You love us so much, Daddy, and I want everyone to know and experience Your love."

Forgiveness

No matter what you are feeling...it may be feelings of depression, anxiety, physical or emotional pain, you may even feel you are at your breaking point...could be finances...God knows all of this and He is right there with you. You may even feel there is something you have done that He can't forgive. Or maybe you feel you can't forgive yourself. There is nothing too big that God can't handle. There is no sin that He can't forgive. If the God that made you and the whole universe can set you free, then you need to forgive yourself and walk out of that cage. I know it's hard. Believe me, I understand more than you realize.

Getting back to writing

It's a new year. It's a new life. I still believe God is good. No matter what I go through, I will not stop praising Him and I will not be made to feel guilty for praising Him. God still loves me and is there for me. Period. Here is my story... 2011 was a crazy year. We moved to Colorado from Mississippi. I never thought we would ever leave Mississippi unless we were to be missionaries somewhere. I thought that would be the only reason I would ever leave. We had friends and family and so many Christians that helped us through good and bad times. The support we received in MS was amazing. Some major turn of events happened in our lives that rocked our world upside down. It was a challenge learning a new area with new people, but God still showed us miracles and brought people in our lives. As soon as we moved to Colorado Springs, the kids and I immediately started serving at a local mission place. We enjoyed it so much. We loved the people that ran the organization and loved the people that came through to get food and clothes for their family. God used Crossfire so much in our lives. Many things opened up from serving there. We found a church that helped us with Christmas gifts and we never asked for help. They overloaded our van with gifts and I was so overwhelmed by God. There was also a group that Crossfire gave our names to that helped with gifts for the kids. I met with these ladies and they are so wonderful. One was from Mississippi and also knew some of the SAME people I knew! What a small world and a God thing! So, God definitely took care of us during this transition time and always reminded us that He was with us no matter where we were. After the move to Colorado, I was struggling with a lot of things. There were wounds that I thought I was healed from and after starting my book (that God clearly told me to put together), it all started resurfacing like never before. As I was doing research for this particular book, the emotions were overflowing. I could not get a hold of myself. It brought back memories from when I was a teenager and the pain was like it just happened. I almost quit altogether with this book because it was just too much. Something I thought I was delivered from over 15 years ago, was tearing me apart and I couldn't deal with it. I never wanted anyone to know this story. I wanted to go to my grave and never tell my children what happened so long ago. I was going to be one of the anonymous stories in my book. But, God was dealing with me over this. How could I be the author and not reveal that I understood the pain these men and women were going through? Why would anyone read a book so personal from someone that has no clue and never gone through this? I struggled back and forth with my own story and knew that if I came out with it, I would have to be the first one to tell my kids. That was ripping my heart out. I had only told a few people this story and only because it needed to be told in a certain moment. I wanted God to only bring it out when it could be used for His glory and if it could help a girl to not make this same decision. As I started digging into this book and getting it going, I received a lot of opposition. I was called names and slandered with peoples' tongues. I really wanted to give up. I told God I would give Him the book and for Him to do with it what He wants. The next day, doors started flying open for this book. I don't want to give it all away yet because then you will know so much before it comes out. I was hoping it would be published already, but with the turn of events in my life last year, I could not go forward with it. I have started back on it and just working on a few more things to get it finished up. I was not going to take anymore stories, but since I am not completely finished with my part, I am open to accepting more stories if anyone wants to send them my way. Even though I felt God and He was with me everyday, I didn't know how to deal with my wounds that were obviously still opened. Everytime I could get a hold of myself, I would read another story from a lady and the overwhelming pain would come back. I cried over every story that came through my email. It started by having one drink and then I began secretly drinking when the kids went to bed at night. I thought about drinking all the time. Even though I didn't do it all the time, it was still in my thoughts constantly. I could be driving in the van and want to drink. I knew not to drink of course while I was driving, but the thoughts were with me almost at all times. I would get excited to go to the store and try new different kinds of alcohol. I know this may shock some of you that know me personally, but it is time for me to be honest with my struggle this last year. I am being open and honest to all of you and knowing in doing this that more persecution is going to come. I have been treated horribly by Christians this last year. They have said they are coming to me in love, but their words were so hurtful and had me crying so much. They had no clue what was going on in my life and "the body of Christ" shocked me. I understood for the very first time why the world sees Christians the way they do and why they don't want any part of God. It was like I was on the other side seeing through their eyes and I didn't like what I saw of "the church". Not everyone acted that way. I saw some true love from a few people and I saw God through them. I truly saw God. I truly saw God's love. People may not agree with what I do, but they held my hand and reminded me that God loves me. They didn't judge. They may have felt inside that I was crazy, but they never once showed that to me. They loved on me even though they were so many miles away. Even if I didn't respond to their messages for months, they didn't give up on me. They continued to love me in my weakness and continued to remind me that God is faithful and loves me so much. That is unconditional love. I was a horrible friend. I was a loner and didn't want to talk to anyone. There are still so many messages that I haven't responded to and I am many, many months behind with responding. I am crying right now thinking of these people. In the time where I needed these words in the midst of all the condemning ones I was receiving, God showed me His love through them. If you are reading this, thank you for not giving up on me. Even if you think I am crazy, I still want to thank you for loving me anyway. Keep loving on people no matter where they are. That is what they need and that is going to make all the difference. When all these things started resurfacing, JC didn't know how to deal with them. It was not his fault and I had tried for years to get counseling with him. He never wanted counseling. We did do marriage seminars and they were great. They did help a lot. We grew our family and also adopted children. We saw God's favor on us continuously. God never left us and He continued to bring wonderful people in our lives. I was married before when I was a teenager. We thought our love could get us through anything. We had been best friends since 13 and 14 years of age. After the traumatic event happened in our marriage, we didn't know how to deal with it. I will explain that in just a bit. Let me go back to JC. JC knew of this event before I married him. I knew that if he married me, I would have to be honest of what happened so long ago. He said he was fine with it and we never had to discuss it really - until....I started this book. Then so many things were happening to me inside. JC was tired of me crying and said he was tired of hearing about this baby in Heaven. The last conversation I had with him was to tell him that I wanted to write the baby a letter and he snapped and said this is all I talk about and he is tired of hearing it. Then, he grabbed his remote and turned back to the tv. I was left in the bed to cry alone. Now, please don't think I am blasting him. There was so much going on and he didn't know how to deal with all of it. I no longer have resentment towards him even though it hurt so much. But, he has never gone through it and could not understand how to help me. That is not his fault. Thank goodness he has never gone through this! There is so much to tell and I don't even know how to tell it all. I have decided to copy and paste a letter that I sent out to a family member just because I really don't have the strength to re-write all of this. You may not understand some of it because I was answering her questions. But, this will give you an idea. This was last year so it is old now. JC and I actually got divorced last year so as you can tell, this is not the present time. But here it is.... I never thought of it as lying so that is an interesting way of looking at it and the more I have thought of your words, the more I understand how you could see it that way. I was determined to never be divorced again and I tried so hard to love JC and be a good wife. I did not mean to make it sound like it was all bad and that we were never happy. Actually, the happiest we ever were in our marriage was on our adoption trips. We had so much time alone without the kids and it was wonderful. As for as my ex-husband, it only started out with us finding Samuel's dad. We had prayed for him for so long. I asked JC and he was fine with it. There is so much you do not know and so much pain from my past that God is reconciling. I was a teenager when I was married before and did not know how to be a wife and he did not know how to be a husband. All we knew was that we loved each other and we thought as long as we had love that we could make it. Well, life turned upside down for us. I got pregnant and his family made me kill the baby. It is a long story and when I finally get it all written out, you can read it. It was the most traumatic experience I have ever gone through in my life. I did not want to do it and I wanted to let the doctor know I was there against my will. But, before the dr came in, I was given a shot and drugged up. I was screaming inside and could not move my mouth or my body. I kept screaming as they were killing this baby and no one could hear me. I have had to live with being a murderer all of my life. I have had to think about this baby all these years. I told JC this before we were married because he needed to know the truth before he married me. He was okay with it and still married me. A few months ago, I was crying a lot over the baby and I wanted to tell JC that I had written her a letter and that I would see her in heaven. He looked at me and said, "I don't care! I am tired of hearing about this!" And then he used his remote and looked back at the tv. I was left in the bed alone to cry and felt my husband was so heartless. That was the last straw for me because he was always like that with me in never listening to things that were important to me. When the baby died, Joey and I never talked about it. He felt I just killed his baby and I felt he did not stand up for me and protect me. I turned to depression and cried all the time. Six months later, I was pregnant with Samuel. Joey immediately went into the navy to try and provide a better life for the baby and me. I went to AZ to live with my mom so I was not alone and pregnant. After bootcamp, there was "A" school and then he had to go to Connecticut for Submarine School. He finally got to come for 2 weeks at the end. He was there the last week of the pregnancy and the first week of Samuel's life. Everything was great and I thought everything was going to be okay. He loved Samuel and me so much. We still never talked about the baby that had died. He suffered in silence still and I had no idea how much he was suffering. When Samuel was 8 weeks old, we saw Joey again. We were stationed to Virginia so Samuel and I got on a plane and moved there to our new house that the navy provided. Things started getting worse there. I had no family and I started getting depressed about the baby again. I loved Samuel and tried to be a good mommy. I was 18 and had no idea what I was doing, but I knew I loved him and wanted to protect him from everything. I held him all the time and took care of his needs. When he was sleeping, I would just cry in a corner and did not know how to deal with my emotions over the baby that died. I was too ashamed to tell people. I wish that Joey and I had talked about it and dealt with it together, but we did not even know how to communicate in that way. We both kept suffering in silence and he ultimately turned to drugs and I wallowed in depression. He blamed me and I never knew that he was blaming me and so I had no idea why it seemed he had changed "all of a sudden". I know all these things now because we have talked about it now after 14 years. When he started using drugs, I saw a side of him that I had never seen before. My dad and step mom came to VA and picked me up.I did not want to leave in that way, but I saw no other choice at the time. I was trying to protect Samuel and that was all I could see at the moment. I wish I had gotten us both help at the time and I wish I could have seen what the actual problem was. Here are things that I have found out: Joey came looking for us and since he left the navy for a time to look for his wife and baby, he was thrown into the brig (navy jail). For months, he was in a room with four walls all by himself. He was devastated over the loss of his wife and son and felt all he was trying to do was the right thing in trying to find us to bring us back home. He could not make the navy understand this and to them, family does not come first. Your first and foremost priority is the navy and nothing else. After isolation, he was put in a room with about 80 guys. There was one toilet in the open room and you had to use the bathroom in front of everyone. He saw things no one should ever have to see while he was in that room with the other men. He was in there with murderers and rapists and still felt all he was trying to do was the right thing. That lasted maybe 8 months (I think). He then had to stand before a few people (maybe 5...can't remember). They were sitting at a desk and he was standing in the room before them. After they spoke, he asked if he could speak freely. He told them he went into the navy to better his family's life and support them, but the navy had ruined his life. He said all he wanted to do was get out. Now, this does not just happen. You can't just "get out" of the military that easy. But, the people at the table discussed what he had said and when they spoke again, they decided that he could be released without a dishonorable discharge. They drove him to the end of the base and dropped him off on the sidewalk. He was only wearing shorts and a t-shirt because that was what he had on going into jail. It was freezing outside and winter. As he stood in the cold, he had nowhere to go and no wife and baby. He was at rock bottom. He did not care about life at this point.A buddy came and picked him up. This guy told him how he could make money and Joey felt he had lost everything anyway so he began partnering with this guy in selling drugs. Joey entered a horrible life and lived that way for a long time. He was able to get pictures from our home and even though his life was consumed with drugs and drug parties, he kept looking at our pictures and crying. No one paid him any mind everytime he was in his low point crying about his wife and son except one day a girl came and sat in his lap. He had our album out and he was crying for us. She put her arm around him while she sat in his lap and asked him what was wrong. He could not even talk. He just buried his head in her shoulder and cried and cried. This girl who he met at a drug party, became his next wife and they had two children. As time went on, Joey continued looking for us and looking at our pictures. He started getting close to God and this made her mad. She wanted to continue her current life and she hated that he was consumed in looking for a wife that had left him. I thought he was a horrible person that I never wanted my son to see. I had blocked out many memories and could only remember the bad things. I met Joey when I was 13 years old. No one (besides God) knows me better than he knows me. He prayed for 14 years for God to bring Samuel and me back. Now we can talk about the baby and we have named her the name we wanted to give her at that time. We do not know 100% that it was a girl, but we both just feel it was. We actually talk about her all the time and are both healing from this. Samuel is getting to know the dad that he never knew. I still blame myself and after hearing of how Joey's life was without us, it makes me sick and feelings of guilt overwhelm me. I know I can't go back in time and all I can do is move forward. I would not have the children I have now and that makes it better when I have the feelings of regret. I am so grateful for the kids I have and I thank God for them. I hate divorce because it hurts so many people and if I had never been divorced in the first place, all of these people would not be getting hurt right now. JC is a good man. He just could not deal with my problems. He could not understand me. Even though he felt he could marry a woman with a son, he was not ready for any of that or for the feelings he would have after we got married. I don't think any of that was his fault. When we found Joey, I had no intentions of being with him. I still wanted to make my marriage work with JC because even though it was not the ideal marriage, I wanted to make it work. But after I found Joey, it opened up many wounds and I tried reaching out to JC of how I was feeling. I wanted so much for him to hear me and he just wouldn't. I have been writing for so long and need to close now. You asked me to be honest no matter how it looked and this is me being honest with you. I know how I am being looked at and I know how I am being judged. I cannot tell you how much healing has come for me and for Joey. It was really hard at first because we had to deal with a lot of things from the past. I still had to get over many things, but since I have found Joey again, it was the healing that I needed from my past. By returning to my first love, made everything new for me again. This is why God hates divorce as well. When I gave my heart away a long time ago and made vows, I could never fully give my heart to anyone that way again. It didn't mean I couldn't love someone else. But, God didn't want us to divorce the first time. Now all of these people are hurt and it is definitely my fault because of the path I chose. I have been blasted publicly on facebook by people that I never knew would be that way. Yes I know what I have done, but God continues to be here for me and continues to pour out His love on me and my family. We still see miracle after miracle and He never, EVER left us. God is bringing in people to our home and so many have gotten saved in our home alone. I have another teenage son that is with us about 4-5 nights a week and calls me, "Mama." He is from a troubled family and God is using him. All of the children are growing so much and Natasha has gotten saved. The teens are closer to me than they have ever been. Samuel is writing music and is on the praise team at church. God still helped us this Christmas with presents. The kids were overwhelmed with gifts. God never seizes to amaze me. We are growing and even though I may have gone down a different path, God is still with me. He still loves me and He will never leave me.