Embrace His love and you will never be the same

Had a rough patch with my emotions as you saw in a previous post. I am doing much better. God is helping me everyday. I start a new job the end of June which we have been praying for. It is Monday - Friday so I will be home every night and weekends. It will be good to be on a set schedule instead of having a schedule all over the place. I am trying to take care of myself so I can take care of my family. I am more involved with the kids instead of being such a loner and we have been having a lot of fun together. I love you all and remember: God loves you too much to leave you the way you were.

Girls Having Fun

Lord, get me outta this mess I'm in

I am trying to get out of the “funk” that I’ve been in. I actually have not even been able to cry for a while now. Things that normally would make me bawl my eyes out, the tears just don’t come anymore. A movie will move me, a commercial will move me, a video will move me, etc… but although it moves me, I just can’t seem to cry. The thing is, I WANT to cry, but I just can’t. I can’t seem to get myself together anymore. I have been in the bed a lot for about two weeks now. I hardly get a shower. But the truth is, it has been going on a lot longer than that. I used to cry a lot when I came to Iowa. I was dealing with an abortion from years ago and I mourned her like never before. I had to re-live that situation every time I told it and every time I tried to work on my book. It seemed the tears would never stop. This year, more devastating things have happened in our family that I do not want to talk about. I cried a lot at first and then I guess one day I stopped crying and didn't think about it anymore. Now, everytime something happens I just don't react at all. I have no emotion or I will laugh it off. I am not sure why I can't deal with these things and just let it all out. I actually have been praying and trying to cry, but I just can't seem to. I received a letter from my daughter Natasha today. It broke my heart. I was trying to get up and get myself together. I thought if I took a shower and put on some make-up that I would feel better. When I came back to my room after getting out of the shower, I found this note on my pillow. This is what it says: (Now Natasha still has an accent and still learning to write English, but I am going to write it the way she wrote it.)

Dear mom In a past 4 or 5 months I been hurt because I feel like you don’t even care about us anymore, you haven’t spend time with us. Every time I come home you were always in your room or at work but even before you got sick you were going strait to your room. I understand your situation that is going on right now I am praying for you and I do want you to feel better. I remember when I first came to America you were always up early and always doing something like cleaning but when I came first time to Iowa I sow way deferent person in you and sometimes I was asking myself “Is that mom that I first met her” It hurts. I want you to know that I love you and I miss mom that I first met.

This is a wake up call for me and I don't want to live like this anymore no matter how I feel. I love my children and I do care so much for them. I never want them to think that I do not care about them. It is time for me to get out of this. I can never get time back, but I can move forward from here.